I seem to have lost my oomph as of late. My inspiration meter is running on empty.
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-gone.
All of my energy seems to be funneled into getting up and being “on” for 9+ hours a day at the hospital & there doesn’t seem to be a lot left over for me.
Being a medical intern is hard… and I don’t mean in the way that tv medical shows make it out to be- what with the running around and the sleep deprivation and the sex in the broom closets and all that. It’s not really the hours or the work that’s tough- yes, the hours are usually crazier than I’m experiencing in this rotation and the work is intense and difficult, but for the most part that is interesting and engaging enough to be its own reward.
What really drags you down is the being “on”. Everyday you are judged. All day, everyday you are questioned and monitored and evaluated. It’s like the most stressful job interview of your life…. and it lasts for a year and a half. Every specialist assumes that you MUST know the details of their specialty. Every preceptor has their own way of doing things that is the RIGHT way. Every physician/PT/OT/RT/lab tech/social worker/whatever thinks their role is the most important in caring for patients. They think that you should think that too. You should be rediculously passionate about their job, above all else.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m keen. I’m keener than keen. I truly believe that you can make up for a whatever you lack in smarts with a shit-ton of enthusiasm. And mostly, that’s what I bring to every day of my internship: a “man-this-is-the-most-amazing-thing-ever” attitude that takes me really far. My patients thank me for taking time with them. My preceptors give me good feedback 95% of the time My reports read: “Kirsti is enthusiastic and great with patients.” “Kirsti has excellent clinical skills and good bedside manner.” always closely followed by “Kirsti would benefit from reading more”. I have a wonderful relationship with most of the nursing and support staff teams. I feel like I’m learning a million things every day. I feel like I’ve gained a million new skills since January.
But I don’t feel like it’s getting any easier. I just feel like I have fewer excuses than I did in January for being confused and lacking knowledge. At least then, I was a “baby” intern. I could be a disaster and it wasn’t my fault, I was just starting out. Now, just as I’m starting to have a few basic things under my belt, everything gets ramped up. The expectations are greater everyday. Why don’t you know this yet? Why aren’t you more competent?
I’m not ready for ramping. I need more practice with basics. I don’t have any energy left for more ramping.
On the plus side, my call shifts are giving me lots of extra knitting time at 3am.